Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
