this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
