If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
