i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
