My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
