Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
