this beer tastes like vomit already
Operation Purity has been aborted
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
