Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
