Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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