Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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