im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
