Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
