It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
