fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The ass gains better be worth it
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