It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
