I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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