I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
