You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
