If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
