college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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