I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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