My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
