That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
