so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
