Jerry, you need to find god
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
