So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
