I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
pray to the hookup gods
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
