I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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