I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
