i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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