Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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