My room smells like vodka and shame
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
birth control should be required to get into college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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