I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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