i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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