I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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