Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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