If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
