I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
