He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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