Duck Duck Cougar?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
