I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
