I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
