If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
