No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
