Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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