so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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