she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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