I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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