Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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