If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine