then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
