a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told you penises don't tan
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap