what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
