my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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