When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
