every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
